We’ve all seen it. We’re all fed up with it to a certain extent. We’ve all been involved in it a few times. Facebook crimes are on the rise and quite frankly, I’m going to puke.
We are far enough along in the Facebook lifecycle to address some rather disgusting and embarrassing actions that are no longer able to be written off as some accident. It’s time to un-friend or as Facebook has so lovely PC’d the term; “Unsubscribe” from the madness.
“ When I turn to my Facebook for entertainment, or a quick check-in on the social world, why the FUCK do I have see your _____________. “
Hmmm… now wait…what could we possibly put in that blank?? Well let’s stretch out, make sure everyone has taken a piss, and see what we can come up with:
Disgusting Pregnant Belly – It’s exciting for you, I know. We don’t need weekly updates though. Tone it down.
Flowers – Awww, you have some poor dude so wrapped around your finger that he randomly sends flowers to your office for no particular reason at all? You’re both desperate.
GYM VISITS – Damn right all CAPS. This is fucking ridiculous. Oh hey, look at me, I WORK OUT EVERYONE. I want everyone to know that I go to the gym. If I go in the morning, I want them to think I’m that much more hardcore. Two-a-days BRAH!!! All you captain try-hards are exactly what’s wrong with modern fitness. You are why I had to find a hidden hole-in-the-wall garage gym, that none of you “all-upper-body-glamour-muscle-heads” wouldn’t dream of stepping foot into.
Cocktail or Beer – Oh, you’re at happy hour? I’M NOT. What is this your first time at a bar?? If it is, then that’s cool. Post away and your next round is on me.
Food – Yay, you’re eating today! Unless you’ve grilled a masterpiece or are eating something of a unique nature, we don’t need to see your pasta.
Duck Face – Don’t EVEN make me explain this. See: dbagging.com
Lazy ass still in bed at noon every single day – get a job or a life. I can’t stand those “My bed is so comfy” posts at 11:45 am every day.
Emo Sob Story – Get out of your rut or keep it to yourself. You realize you’re crying in public right?
Every Single Sunset – The same one from your balcony every single night? Wow. Thanks.
Quotes About Nothing – ….
Annoying little updates about literally everything you’re doing – Brushing teeth, taking out trash, getting mail, making dinner, jerkin-off, CONTROL YOURSELF DAMNIT!
Dog – Wait… nah, dogs are sick.
Baby – We saw it earlier today with puke on its face. And yesterday with food in its eye. And every single day since you pushed that thing out.
Grades or Homework – Grow up.
You’re sharing a Facebook page with your girlfriend?!!?
You have no idea how amazing it feels to clean up your News Feed. Close comparisons would be like taking off your snowboard boots after an all-day shred shesh, taking off your cleats after hell-week, losing your virginity, or even shooting a shotgun for the first time.
Look, Facebook is sick. I’m not saying I hate it. I’m saying some people took advantage of its power. When I see ridiculous things, I have to call them out. If I don’t, Facebook will be hitting up Myspace to party with Creed and Carlos Mencia. Keep telling us cool things like how you woke up naked in Tijuana. Or how that shed exploded. Keep the good stuff coming!
What do you consider a Facebook crime?? Share that shit!