Nicolas Cage: Actor, Director, Time Traveling Vampire?

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Posted February 10, 2012 by in
Nicolas-Cage-Vampire

Today while filming the Late Show with David Letterman, David called Nicolas Cage out on the fact that he’s a time traveling Vampire.  There are many rumors surrounding Nicolas Cage, which is in fact not even his real name.  Supposedly born Nicolas Kim Coppola, the story he’s slanging is that he’s the nephew of legendary director Francis Ford Coppola but he changed his name to avoid the appearance of nepotism.  If that’s the case, then why does every other ass hole on the street know that he’s Coppola’s nephew?

Something’s not right here, this guy’s clearly hiding something. David mentioned the accusation and then pulled out the photograph that caused all the controversy. Nicolas cage responds..


“There is a resemblance, but how can I be polite about this? It’s a somewhat slowed down version of me,”


Yeah…slowed down version… what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Well, I know. What Nicolas Cage is obviously referring to is back in the late 1860’s after his time fighting in the Civil War, he took this picture of himself as an unassuming businessman and farm owner. Clearly it was a statement referring to the slower times in his life 140 years ago after the Civil War.

Then, Cage realizing he might have told too much, back peddled his story with the comment,

“I don’t drink blood and the last time I looked in the mirror I had a reflection.”

Which is true because Vampires used 21st century technology to overcome the whole human blood thing and the mirror issue. Hasn’t anyone seen True Blood??? And as for the bullshit about the mirror and not having a reflection, it’s an Old Wive’s tale created by Vampires themselves. Over the years, it’s become somewhat of an inside joke amongst the pale-skinned patrons of the night.

Nice try Nick. But how coincidental that one of your first hits was a movie called Vampire’s Kiss where you in fact played YOURSELF, a blood-sucking Vampire. Now he’s out promoting a new movie, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance where he plays an undead hero. Too much coincidence for me and I will gladly use these loosely related facts to jump to the conclusion that Nicolas Cage is in fact a time traveling Vampire.

Stop being all anti-undead Nick and just come out of closet/coffin. Thanks to Twilight, Vampires are now socially acceptable. Apparently even the Gay Vampires too.

So you’re doubly in the clear.

All kidding aside this picture is fucking hilarious.

What do you think? Leave your comments below and don’t forget to Like and Follow us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter @slangstrong


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  • http://twitter.com/CasinoStillipha Casino Stilliphant

    In 1972, I was part of a Black Ops operation to recover the flight recorder of
    an SR-71 “Blackbird” that crashed deep in a Cambodian jungle. Back then, those
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    We
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    device, it turned out, was capable of manipulating leptons (although we didn’t
    know how it worked back then). The device was no larger than a cell phone and it
    was holding the aircraft in a non-synchronous state between leptons. When we
    turned the device off, the aircraft returned to normal and all the surfaces were
    soaked with the condensation from the cold. Then and there we decided that the
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    We couldn’t hide it because it has a nuclear signature. We agreed that I would
    take it because after my military stint I went to Canada for 5 years and built
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    The first time that I traveled back I discovered that ghosts of
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    Nicholas Cage may have borrowed the device.

    • http://www.facebook.com/william.megenney.7 William Megenney

      Hey thanks for posting on slangstrong! This is an incredible story. PLease dont take offense to this next question. Is it true or are you fucking with us? If it is true I would like to post an article about your story in much more detail as a slangspiracy exclusive. Also you can shoot me an email at wmegenney@hotmail.com to continue this conversation.

    • JR_SlangStrong

      And of course part of your hiding this incredibly dangerous device of untold power was to go on web sites and tell people the entire story. No wonder Will buys your story hook line and sinker.


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