You Know What Really Grinds My Gears? Shitty Drivers
You know what really grinds my gears? People that drive like shit and then give you a dirty look when they do something stupid and almost crash into you. I was driving home today, and I made a left turn to go down my street and a truck was heading my way. I’m sure we all do this, but in neighborhoods when there is nobody on the road with you we all tend to veer a little bit toward the center of the street so that we can avoid accidentally crashing into a car parked on the side of the street.
Well, this guy in the truck was doing just that, but when he looked up and saw me driving in his direction, what did he do? This mother fucker stayed right in the middle of the street. Now, I assumed that this asshole would start to slowly veer towards his side, but the closer I got, the more I realized that he was doing no such thing. I had to move all the way to the side of the road and practically stop next to the side walk to avoid being hit. My horn had no effect on this fuck. He just kept driving along like the king of the road in all his glory. Mother fucker.
I really hope that I see this prick walking on the sidewalk sometime, because no joke, I will fucking shoulder check this motherfucker and just look at him when he falls on the ground. Who the fuck almost causes an accident going 15 miles an hour? This guy must have learned his driving skills playing Twisted Metal back in the day, and forgot that in the real wold other people actually have to pay for the damages to their car so they avoid hitting him, and in his mind he probably thinks he’s the big swinging dick on the road that everyone moves out of the way for. FUCK YOU SHIT FUCK. In the name of the safety of the road, I think we should establish a few rule of the road that we can all abide by so that we can all survive the perilous drive home.
- Look where you are going. Simple. I can’t tell you how many times people are just zoning out In their care and staring out the side window. Hello dumb fuck, you are driving a 4 ton death machine that could put a hole in the side of the building if you hit it hard enough. What do you think? That no matter what you do you will make it to your destination safely? You need to pay attention to where you are going at all times.
- Don’t text if you are driving a car. Really? What are you thinking? You are looking down, reading texts and trying to thumb your stubby fingers on the touch screen of your phone, and your auto correct spells something weird and you are staring trying to retype the fucking thing, and even though it only may be 10 seconds, that is 10 seconds that you can do a lot of damage. I have an idea. Next time you are in your car, find a straight stretch of road and close your eyes for 3 seconds. Count it out loud. 1,001, 1,002, 1,003. Now open your eyes. Look how far you have gone. Pretty fucking far. Think about how long you are staring at your iphone and writing on facebook what you just ate for lunch. If you are not careful, we’ll see what you ate splattered across the street because you are going to crash and be ripped to pieces by the impact, and we will get to see the inside of your stomach. Eyes on the road Jackass.
- Ladies, please stop doing your makeup on the freeway. I mean, really? Are you fucking kidding me? Look, I have no problem with you trying to look your best every day. Hell, I encourage this. But, when I look over and I see some fucking chick doing 75 on the freeway and her eyes in the rear view mirror putting on lipstick, all I can think is that I better get the fuck away from this lane. Is it that important? Can’t it wait till you get to where you need to be? Will your makeup look better if you are driving and putting it on, rather than if you stop and take your time? My favorite excuse, and any of you with a girlfriend/wife will have heard, is that women can multitask and driving and doing makeup is easy for them. Reality flash ladies, just because you can do two things at once does not mean that you are doing them well. When you split your focus, you both of those things worse than normal, and not to sound sexist, but I have found that most women drivers should probably stay off the road anyways. And, to top it off, I see many of you creating the trifecta and are on your cell phones while putting on your makeup and driving to work or wherever. Really? Are you that fucking amazing that you can focus on all three at once? Just a heads up, YOU CAN’T SO STOP DOING IT.
- If you are going to go faster, stay towards the left side of the freeway, and if you are going to go slower, stay towards the right. Don’t be that asshole in the fast lane going 55mph and giving dirty looks at people that pass you by. Get in your fucking lane and stay there. Don’t fuck up my drive and slow me down.
- Don’t be a telephone tough guy in your car. What I mean is this. We have all talked to someone on the phone that acts like they can say whatever the fuck they want and not give a shit. They talk a big game, and just hang up when they are done and think that they just told you. Don’t you know how much fucking bigger I am than you asshole? Don’t throw out hard looks to everyone you see and think that there won’t be repercussions. Don’t cut me off, and then drive by me and flick me off, and not expect me to follow you for as long as I can, and hope that you are getting off the same exit that I am so that I can find you when you get out of your car and beat the shit out of you for having the audacity to think that you can talk shit to anyone you want and not think twice about it because you are in your car.
I am sure that there are many more rules that we should all be following. Would anyone care to add to the list?