You Know What Really Grinds My Gears? Ass Holes At The Gym

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Posted September 12, 2011 by in You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?
Ass-Holes-at-the-Gym

You know what really grinds my gears?  Assholes at the gym that have no idea how to act in a public setting.  I mean, come on, are you serious with some of this shit?  For me, the gym is the last real place that is for me.  What I mean by that is that it is the one place in the world where I can really detach from the outside word and do something for me.  The older you get, the more responsibility you start to take on, and the more you begin to really feel the weight of the world.  I feel like my phone is constantly ringing and it’s either my boss or my family asking me to do something for them.  They’re always needing something, always waiting for something, always rushing me from point A to point B.  It’s a non-stop headache and my head keeps pounding harder and harder.

But, once in a while, just every once in a while… when the stars and the moon align just right, I find myself with an extra few hours just for me.  When that time comes, I head to one spot: the Gym.  My family and my boss both know that when I am a the gym, I won’t answer their calls.  I have made it very clear that when I am in that palace, that Fortress of Solitude, my phone is safely locked away in my car.  It is the one place I can go where I can truly get off the grid and just be left alone, even if only for a few hours.

I put on my headphones, hop on a treadmill, and just zone out to the peacefulness of being MIA for just a few fleeting moments.  But every time I go, it never fails, you have some asshole doing something stupid.  Last time  I there, two guys stood behind me while I hit the squat rack and screamed at each other for “one more rep!”  COME ON ASSHOLES.  Shut the fuck up and have some respect for my space.  I thought perhaps, just as with bathroom etiquette, I would write down some rules of the gym so that future generations would understand what not to do.  Here goes…

  1. Don’t scream and yell when you are trying to lift something heavy.  You know who you are fuck head.  Everyone remembers that dumb fuck that screams like a fucking maniac when he’s trying to push out one more rep.  There is no need to yell.  There is no need to draw attention to yourself just because you have on too much weight and are trying to impress your other faggot friends that you are lifting with.  If you want to hoot and holler, work out at your gym at your school or something.  Go where the other children pretend to work out and impress the high school kids.  Nobody thinks you are a badass because you added another 45lbs on assfuck.  Try not to give yourself a hernia by pushing too hard.
  2.  If someone is wearing their headphones and you try to say hi, realize that you are fucking up their mojo.  We put those things in our ears for a reason dip shit.  We want to shut out the sounds from the rest of the gym and be left alone.  It’s one thing when we take them out of our ears and start a conversation, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen someone and given them a simple head nod, and they think that is an invitation to have a full on conversation about how their lives have been over the last few years.  Reality check asshole.  I didn’t keep in touch with you for a reason.  I didn’t speak to you for a reason either.  I acknowledged you because it is the polite thing to do, but if my headphones stay in, you can walk the fuck away.  Some of us don’t have the time to come to the gym every day and are actually there to get something done.  We are not there to socialize and talk about how you’ve done absolutely nothing with your life since high school and still living with your parents.  You are pathetic.  Shave, get a job, and get a life.
  3. Don’t blatantly stare at people.  It’s creepy.  I can understand that from time to time you will find a dime piece at the gym getting her thing done, and yes, they dress skimpy like that because they like to be looked at, but don’t be that guy that gets caught in a stare.  It’s ok to glance over from time to time and check her out, but there is a difference from a quick glance to a stalker stare.  You know what I’m talking about pervert.   Don’t watch her like you watch porn on your computer.  Anything more than a second and you immediately start to raise amber alerts.
  4. Don’t get caught flexing in the mirror.  You know who you are loser.  We’ve all seen that one guy that stands in front of the mirrors and just poses.  It’s not ok.  Yes, it’s cool to see that you are getting results, but it is not ok to pretend to be Mr. Universe and work on that perfect pose to really show off your back.  If you do this, you are gay.  Plain and simple.
  5. Don’t take picture of yourself while you are lifting and post them on facebook.  Yes, I am serious, I have seen people do this, and it makes me sick.  Who the fuck do you think you are that you are so enamored with yourself that you think that everyone would want to see what you look like after busting out a few sets.  This is not cool, it’s not attractive, and to be honest, it’s not legal.  You should never take pictures of anyone at the gym, including yourself.
  6. In the locker room, don’t be that naked guy.  You know what I am talking about.  Yes, it is ok to shower at the gym if you need to.  Yes, you should be changing into workout clothes before you hit the floor.   But by no means is it ok to linger in the buff.  I always find it weird when you see a guy getting dressed or undressed at the gym and you notice the routine.  They put on their sock, they put on their shoes, and they put on their shirt, all the while you are wondering, why the fuck is it that you are putting your pants on last?  Why do you have to sit bare ass on the bench and just let it all hang out?  Why wouldn’t your pants be the first thing to come on?  And worse yet, why the fuck are you getting up and walking around and still not wearing any pants?  We are not in a Roman bath house.  This is not your personal sanctuary that you can just be free.  You need to respect the other patrons of the locker room and cover yourself up.

These are just some quick thoughts.  Feel free to add to the list, but seriously folks, if you frequent the gym, it is a good idea to abide by these rules.


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Singer

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  • http://slangstrong.com D-Brown

    Singer, you nailed it here. I’ve had a Gym post brewing for the site and you opened this up perfectly.

    The grunters and the creepers are consistent violators of gym savvy, but I have a gym-douche not covered here. It is hard to put one simple classification on this pathetic group, so I will talk about their pathetic attributes to see if we can all label them something embarrassing.

    This gym-douche…..

    – Cares more about how they look in the gym, than really anything else in life. I can understand not wanting to look homeless at the gym, but this person literally gets dressed up for a workout. You can slightly categorize them into the Jersey Shore category, and will mostly find these mooks at 24 hr Fitness. As Singer noted, these people spend more time looking in the mirror at themselves than getting a workout. My favorite is the freshly done hair, affliction shirts, spray tans, SUNGLASSES (yes, sunglasses), jewelry, hat or visor, etc. Women – you fall into this category sometimes as well.

    – Will have no problem sitting on a machine or bench for 45 minutes. They will sit there and look at themselves and talk to their BRO while getting a couple reps in. I’m sorry, some of us have shit to do. Are you done with that yet BRO? I love asking these guys if they are done yet because they always look at me like I’m crazy and arrogantly say they have “a few more.” Then they go back to their convo. Your gym bro, your gym….sorry for trying to get a real workout.

    – Workout my legs or core? Get some cardio going? Are you serious? In the words of Dennis Johnson in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, “You’re all glamor muscles.” You see, these people are not in the gym for any fitness or health purposes. They do not even have a love for the competitive drive or high you get from a great workout. They are not enjoying some well-deserved alone time. Replaced by the amazing feeling workout enthusiasts enjoy is a love for the mirror and their flex. Hence, the glamor muscles. It’s comedy seeing these guys building huge biceps and a huge chest, with toothpick legs. It’s hilarious because if you were to pick a fight with one of these guys, they will be slow and out-juked by a simple two-step. Keep flexin bro, you look ridiculous!

    – To kind of switch gears here, what is with the guy that uses 4 benches and 11 dumbbells in the middle of prime-time hours? Dude, you just built a fitness-fort with all the best gear! And it’s 6:30!! Thanks!!

    It’s probably important to note that I’m not a personal trainer. I’m not the expert here. I’m not all yoked out. But come on gym-goers, this is comedy!!

  • Todd

    All valid points. Let me touch on one thing that really chaps my ass that you mentioned Singer. People in the gym with their cell phones. Are you there to workout or are you there to answer phone calls and send texts. If it is option #2 go out to your car and drive home. Chances are you are going to be in my way at some point in my workout and I don’t have time for that.

    The next thing that bothers me is old men in the gym making up their own exercises. What is it with them!? As if walking around in the locker room towel-less isn’t bad enough to see; I have to watch you throw your back out even more with one of your exercises that you are just making up on the spot. The exercise is doing nothing but harm to your body and I honestly want to interrupt my workout to ask you what you are doing. Exercises can do a lot of harm to your body if done improperly and it seems like every 75 year old man in the gym is prone to throwing together an exercise that will do just that.

    Don’t EVER take weights of my bench, squat rack, etc. without asking me if it is ok. Is this gym etiquette or just common sense? Whatever it is this is one of my biggest pet peeves. I took the bench for a reason. It may have been the option of weights on the racks. So don’t you ever make me walk over to find other weights that you took off my rack. I will interrupt the best pump of my life to take my headphones out and ask you what you are thinking.

    Don’t be the guy singing, rapping, yelling the song of whatever you are listening to in your headphones. Are you trying to attract attention to yourself? Congratulations. You won. But everyone is looking at you like you are the crazy person.

    If you are using the sauna/steam room don’t forget your damn towel. and don’t be the weirdo who brings the towel but drops it once you get in there. You have everything you need to avoid offending people yet you choose to do so anyway. I will never understand that.

    These are all tips but should be rules in the gym. My only rule is don’t talk to me. This is not social hour. This is my workout. You may be awesome (probably aren’t) but I could care less. I am there to work out and that is it. Stay out of my way and don’t talk to me. “Not now, I’m in the zone chief!”

  • http://slangstrong.com D-Brown

    Hahahaha!!! Get it Todd!

  • http://slangstrong.com D-Brown

    OMG. I encountered such a huge gym violation this morning I had to write about it. Ok….the gym is not a daycare people.

    This morning, I tried to snipe a quick gym-run before heading to my cell (I mean cubicle), and was jammed up by a woman who brought her small daughter along for the ride. As wrong as this is on so many levels, this woman was taking up literally an entire section of the gym. She had 3 medicine balls, some dumbbells, and a cable machine on lock down. And since she’s also policing her daughter from PLAYING WITH HEAVY WEIGHTS, she is taking forever.

    How on earth was this allowed???!!!!


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